June 20-25

I reached a point after Patsy's passing and the flurry of activity that follows where I'd about had my fill of sympathy and felt the need to get a little solitude.  I've never found a better way to do that than on the boat, so after attending a party at sister Barbara's in Bedford, I headed to Urbanna.

The mid-Atlantic was in the midst of an early heat wave while I was there, so sleeping was not easy, but the kind breezes on the Rappahannock and Chesapeake more than made up for that inconvenience. After spending the first night in Urbanna, I sailed to Reedville on Tuesday hoping to be able to find a place to watch the USA world cup match on Wednesday.  That didn't work out (Who knew nothing would be open in Reedville on Wednesday at 10:00am?!), but the marina did have wi-fi which allowed me to at least listen to it on the computer/radio.

After the match ended, I headed for Tangier Island.  What an interesting place!  The streets are barely wide enough for one automobile, but that's OK because most people drive golf carts.  The people are as friendly as can be and the crab is as fresh as it comes.  After a great crab-stuffed flounder and a beautiful sunset the first night, I decided to spend the next day touring the island on my little collapsible bicycle, and leave for Urbanna on Friday.

Thursday morning, I rode my bike to the southern end of the island, walked about a half a mile down the beach, swam a bit, and then set off on foot for the southern tip.  I read the the beach here is 3 miles long, so it was about a 5 mile round trip to the tip and back.  I about burned my back to a crisp, but it was worth the walk.  There were tons of birds, complete solitude, and the satisfaction of making it to "land's end"!

I headed back to the boat for a light lunch (it just seemed hot enough to take away your appetite), and then rode around the entire island on my bike.  The photo below is taken across the marsh looking at the Canton area on the eastern side of the island.

I sailed back to Urbanna from Tangier on Friday with great winds until almost the very end.  I got into Urbanna in time to get the boat secured back in her slip, get the car packed, and be on the road to the Outer Banks about 4:30.

This was such a perfect trip, given my circumstances.  I really enjoyed the solitude although I wasn't exactly alone; Patsy was on my mind a whole lot.  I remembered the fun times we had on the boat, but I also had time to reflect on her life and our life together with happiness, not grieving.  I'm finding that more than most anything else, fond memories of her are what sustain me, and I think she'd approve of that (see last post).

June 25 - July 9

I got to the beach house Friday evening and continued the welcomed solitude.  The place was thick with memories of Patsy because she loved it so and because the last time we'd been here was just before she passed.  The memories of her were most apparent as I got the house set up for occupation, something that was typically her job.  It took me a bit longer than she would have taken, but once settled in, I easily slipped into "beach mode"!  And after four days of upper 90s, I was more than content with air conditioning and rum!

I had five days on my own and then the family showed up.  Pictured below (L-R) are Cousin Jim and his wife Cindy from Newport News who came down for the day and Lulu, Missy, Barb, and Ray.  The immediate family members were with me for a week and the time was filled with beach, laughter, tons of food and drink, and merriment.

After they left, I had another couple of days on my own and then packed up for the 'Boro.  I'd been gone for almost three weeks, and although I'd really enjoyed my time away, there's no place like home!

Rest In Peace First Mate

        "Miz Pat", 1946-2010

[The first part of the entry below was written on May 25th.  The remainder was added sporadically over the next 2-3 weeks.]

I lost my first mate today.  Patsy was an amazing woman who fought her disease for 3-4 years the same way she lived her life: with style and grace.  She was very private about her cancer.  In contacting people about her hospitalization and subsequent passing I discovered that all but a few out-of-towners and a fair number of locals did not even know she had it!  It's not so much that she was blindly trying to handle it all by herself, and it certainly wasn't because she wanted to shut out her family.  She wanted her relationships with her family and friends to be about living, not dying.  She could not abide sad-faced sympathizers, support groups, prayer lists at church, grief groupies, and victims.

She wanted to do what she wanted to do with her family and friends, and what she wanted to do never included whining about being a cancer patient.  She would reluctantly answer simple questions about how she was feeling or maybe even some specifics about her medication or care, but she refused to talk about it for long.  "Surely we can find something more interesting to talk about than this!"

She came around slowly to my love of sailing, but she always enjoyed going.  The picture above was taken on her last trip to the boat last September (see below).  She was pretty weak at the time and not really able to get on and off the boat at high tide, but she wanted to go and enjoyed the weekend.  And judging by this picture, taken below decks as we waited for the tide to fall, she had a pretty good time.  [I love this picture.  It's certainly not a high quality photo (taken with my cell phone) nor is it the picture she would have picked out for public display!  But despite her weakened frame and hair that was either growing back or falling out - I lost track sometimes - she's playful and happy.  She insisted on it!]

After our first trip to Sanibel to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary in 2007, she wanted to go back every year, and we did.  Likewise, she loved the beach and our place at Duck, and no matter how poorly she felt, she always wanted to go.  When she didn't feel particularly good as was the case this last trip, her attitude seemed to be, "Lying on the couch listening to the ocean is considerably more pleasant than lying on the couch watching TV."   So when she conceded that she needed to leave and get home to her doctor, I became pretty sure she was heading down hill.  She never wanted to miss the beach.

She returned to the loving care of her doctor and nurses at the HOPE Cancer Center last Friday, and over the scant period of four days she continued to grow weaker and weaker until she drifted away.  She passed peacefully thanks to those angels of mercy who cared for her.

She's passed out of our lives but never out of our hearts.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I've found that the writing above on the day she died was rather therapeutic, so I'm continuing some other thoughts below.

Here's her obituary:

[PEH], 63, of Waynesboro, passed away Tuesday, May 25, 2010. She was raised in Richmond from infancy and preceded in death by her parents [Arthur] and [Rachel].

She is survived by her husband of 42 years, [Robin] and her two children, [Brian] and [Holland], all of Waynesboro.

During her childhood in Richmond she swam for Southampton Recreation Association and was a founding swimmer on the James River Aquatic Club. At one point during her lengthy swimming career, she was a national age group record holder in the 50 meter breast stroke. She is a graduate of Huguenot High School, and Averett College in Danville.

Mrs. Hersey served on numerous civic boards and committees during her many years in Waynesboro. She was a member of St. John’s Episcopal Church and is a past president of the Waynesboro Garden Club.

Her memorial service will be held on Friday, May 28, 2010, at St. John’s Episcopal Church in Waynesboro at 3:00pm. In lieu of flowers, memorial gifts in Patsy’s name may be made to the Augusta Regional SPCA.

The family wishes to express its most heartfelt thanks to the staff of the HOPE Cancer Center and the oncology nursing staff at AHC for their professionalism, loving care, and compassion.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Her memorial service was wonderful.  It sounds kind of strange saying that, but it was exactly what she would have wanted.  In fact, it was exactly what she asked for.  When you're fighting cancer, you take the time to pre-plan your funeral and other final arrangements.  It was the traditional Episcopalian funeral and the Bible readings were done by her co-conspirator, Ray - the only other in-law in the family, and Pattie, one of her oldest friends and the girl behind the boy that introduced us 51 years ago.  There was no sermon and only two hymns, one of which she picked ("All Things Bright & Beautiful").  The memorial was both meaningful and mercifully brief.

The family greeted attendees as they arrived at the service so we could hurry off to our house for the second part of the day's activities - the party!  Her Final Arrangements document called for "a rousing good time" after the funeral where those in attendance were instructed to "leave your tears at the church," and that's exactly what we had.  It started in earnest right after the 3:00 service and went well into the night, kept alive by the kids and their friends, many of whom have known Patsy almost as long as they've known their own parents.  Gotta love that small town living!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Almost everyone I talk to asks me how I’m doing, and I’ve thought a whole lot about that over the last couple of weeks.

I have determined that the philosophy that guided Patsy in living and dying with cancer is something that we must have subtly taught each other over 42+ years of marriage because it’s exactly what I find is guiding me in grieving over her passing. That philosophy is a determination to take the circumstances one has been dealt and simply live with them, on one’s own terms. Public expressions of emotion are quite trendy these days, but Patsy would never have worn her cancer around like some badge of honor nor would she permit others to do it on her behalf. I’m certain she would chastise me from above if I were to do the same with my grief.

It's not that I don't get sad, and it's not that I don't miss her, and it's certainly not that I'm never going to ask for help especially from family & close friends. (If you’ve ever eaten my cooking, you know I’ll eventually need help!) But just as she lived with cancer – emphasizing the living not the disease - I intend to deal with my sorrow by living, not grieving. I’m certain that my life without her won’t always be easy and I know I’ll need help from my kids, family, close friends, memories of her, and God, but I intend to follow her determined example to take what is and just deal with it.

What a role model!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Lastly, I can't talk about this whole process without expressing my undying gratitude to everybody that's helped her (& me) over the last 3-4 years and particularly over the last few weeks.  I'll never be able to say enough kind words about her doctor and the nurses at the HOPE cancer center at AHC.  I've discovered that it takes a special kind of person to be a doctor or nurse to cancer patients.  They all became like family to us.

And our family and friends who mowed our grass, mulched Patsy's garden, spruced up our house, attended the funeral & party, and sent food, flowers, and kind wishes after she passed have reinforced for me what a special person she was.  The church and our house afterwards were packed to overflowing.  One funeral attendee drove from holiday in Toronto in less than two days to get there!  There was a friend from Richmond who remembers Patsy as a babe in arms just days after her birth, and there were friends of our kids who'd only known her a few years.  Another of her oldest friends flew in from Texas and stayed with us for a couple of days.  There was her Uncle Jack who is in his 90s and 4 month old Ava from down the street.  I was both glad to see you all and humbled by your presence.

I've been asked several times before and after her passing if I thought I needed Hospice, our Rector, or any other kind of additional support.  My answer has always been, "Nope; we're covered."  Thanks to our family and friends, the kids and I have always felt supported and comforted.  Thanks to you all!

April 28 - May 1

I had planned to take a liesurely 5 days getting the Goober back to her home port in Urbanna from a winter's worth of repairs in Deltaville, but conflicts at home led me to cut that down to a long weekend. Unfortunately, mechanical problems forced me to cut that down to less than two days! After launching (below) first thing Friday morning, I got in to move her to a temporary slip and the engine wouldn't start, so we floated to a nearby slip to assess the problem.

The biggest issue was that the diesel fuel had water in it, and that required an 8-hour pump out / clean out which the boat yard did not have the time to do that day. And since that day was Friday, that meant no work until at least Monday, and both they and I had a busy week, so it begain to look like at least a week before I could move. In addition to the problem with the fuel, I also discovered that my AC outlets did not work, but that problem was fairly quickly repaired.

So, facing the prospect of not moving her back to Urbanna, I chose to sleep on the situation and decide the next morning.  I had a bunch of work to do, but I was so disappointed that I chose to get a few hours work done, and head on home until she was ready to move.

May 10-11

I got the OK from the yard on Monday morning and headed for Deltaville.  By the time I rigged the sails, got everything ready to go, and had some lunch, it was mid-afternoon, but I was so intent on sailing that day that I headed out despite an extremely low tide that had me scraping the sandy bottom getting out of the slip and knowing I might be in for a night sail if the winds were not favorable.  Fortunately, I had a perfect day sail back to Urbanna with mostly clear skies and a 10 knot tail wind.  I was in my home slip by dusk.

All of my repairs performed as advertised:

- The auto-helm worked like a charm, freeing me up for so many things that I'd not been able to do before (like going below).

- The steering was smooth as silk.

- The engine was as dependable as ever, but repairs to the throttle gave her more juice when I needed it.

- The new chart plotter is a boat gadget guy's dream! Although, I did leave the owner's manual at home and didn't really get the full experience.

- The refrigerator is working again, although I didn't really use it since I was mostly away from shore power and would only be at the boat for about 24 hours.

So, despite the fact that my "shake-down cruise" did not turn out to be the grand adventure I'd envisioned, I had a great time and loved being back on the water.

OK; A Sailing Post!
(Well, let's call it a boat post.)

I went down to Deltaville last Wednesday to check out the work being done on the boat.  The electronics guys are almost done and they'll be followed up by the workmen at the boat yard where I'm keeping her for the Winter.  There's a long list of things to be done, which I won't bore you with here, but she's up on the hard now and all seems to be progressing nicely.  They were able to get her out of the water and winterized in plenty of time to beat the coldest December in ages.

The following picture shows what's left of some of the "passangers" that I've been hauling around for the last year or so.  They'll all be scraped away and the bottom painted before she's back in the water come Springtime.
I can't wait!!

Decidedly NOT Sanibel!

Another non-sailing post, but you gotta cut me some slack - there's just not that much sailing going on this time of year!  A few days before Christmas, a huge snow storm blew through the Valley and the Waynesboro area got the most accumulation.  (We were even mentioned on Fox News!!)  The snow started about 3:30 pm and this picture was taken about 11:00 the next morning.  That yardstick reads in excess of 25 inches, but what it doesn't show is the remaining 3-4 inches we got as it continued snowing until about dark!

I spent the first day shoveling paths in the back yard in order to [1] insure Patsy's cats wouldn't "take care of business" all over the porch, [2] allow me access to the bird feeders (which you can see in the previous pictue), and grant us access to the trash can in the alley.  The next day I decided that I'd tackle the front walk, even though the plow had only made one pass and I really didn't plan on driving anywhere.

This scene greeted me out front.  Because of drifting, the snow was almost as high as the porch!

The shoveling was hard work, but it made a great substitute for the walks I was no longer able to take.  I managed to later get out to the grocery store on foot and we had enough firewood to keep us warm, so all in all it turned out to be a grand adventure, especially considering it was Christmas.  Even though it rained on the 25th, this was the first truly white Christmas in ages.  (Don't be surprised if you get the following picture on your 2010 card!)