Rest In Peace First Mate
"Miz Pat", 1946-2010
[The first part of the entry below was written on May 25th. The remainder was added sporadically over the next 2-3 weeks.]
I lost my first mate today. Patsy was an amazing woman who fought her disease for 3-4 years the same way she lived her life: with style and grace. She was very private about her cancer. In contacting people about her hospitalization and subsequent passing I discovered that all but a few out-of-towners and a fair number of locals did not even know she had it! It's not so much that she was blindly trying to handle it all by herself, and it certainly wasn't because she wanted to shut out her family. She wanted her relationships with her family and friends to be about living, not dying. She could not abide sad-faced sympathizers, support groups, prayer lists at church, grief groupies, and victims.
She wanted to do what she wanted to do with her family and friends, and what she wanted to do never included whining about being a cancer patient. She would reluctantly answer simple questions about how she was feeling or maybe even some specifics about her medication or care, but she refused to talk about it for long. "Surely we can find something more interesting to talk about than this!"
She came around slowly to my love of sailing, but she always enjoyed going. The picture above was taken on her last trip to the boat last September (see below). She was pretty weak at the time and not really able to get on and off the boat at high tide, but she wanted to go and enjoyed the weekend. And judging by this picture, taken below decks as we waited for the tide to fall, she had a pretty good time. [I love this picture. It's certainly not a high quality photo (taken with my cell phone) nor is it the picture she would have picked out for public display! But despite her weakened frame and hair that was either growing back or falling out - I lost track sometimes - she's playful and happy. She insisted on it!]
After our first trip to Sanibel to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary in 2007, she wanted to go back every year, and we did. Likewise, she loved the beach and our place at Duck, and no matter how poorly she felt, she always wanted to go. When she didn't feel particularly good as was the case this last trip, her attitude seemed to be, "Lying on the couch listening to the ocean is considerably more pleasant than lying on the couch watching TV." So when she conceded that she needed to leave and get home to her doctor, I became pretty sure she was heading down hill. She never wanted to miss the beach.
She returned to the loving care of her doctor and nurses at the HOPE Cancer Center last Friday, and over the scant period of four days she continued to grow weaker and weaker until she drifted away. She passed peacefully thanks to those angels of mercy who cared for her.
She's passed out of our lives but never out of our hearts.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I've found that the writing above on the day she died was rather therapeutic, so I'm continuing some other thoughts below.
Here's her obituary:
[PEH], 63, of Waynesboro, passed away Tuesday, May 25, 2010. She was raised in Richmond from infancy and preceded in death by her parents [Arthur] and [Rachel].
She is survived by her husband of 42 years, [Robin] and her two children, [Brian] and [Holland], all of Waynesboro.
During her childhood in Richmond she swam for Southampton Recreation Association and was a founding swimmer on the James River Aquatic Club. At one point during her lengthy swimming career, she was a national age group record holder in the 50 meter breast stroke. She is a graduate of Huguenot High School, and Averett College in Danville.
Mrs. Hersey served on numerous civic boards and committees during her many years in Waynesboro. She was a member of St. John’s Episcopal Church and is a past president of the Waynesboro Garden Club.
Her memorial service will be held on Friday, May 28, 2010, at St. John’s Episcopal Church in Waynesboro at 3:00pm. In lieu of flowers, memorial gifts in Patsy’s name may be made to the Augusta Regional SPCA.
The family wishes to express its most heartfelt thanks to the staff of the HOPE Cancer Center and the oncology nursing staff at AHC for their professionalism, loving care, and compassion.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Her memorial service was wonderful. It sounds kind of strange saying that, but it was exactly what she would have wanted. In fact, it was exactly what she asked for. When you're fighting cancer, you take the time to pre-plan your funeral and other final arrangements. It was the traditional Episcopalian funeral and the Bible readings were done by her co-conspirator, Ray - the only other in-law in the family, and Pattie, one of her oldest friends and the girl behind the boy that introduced us 51 years ago. There was no sermon and only two hymns, one of which she picked ("All Things Bright & Beautiful"). The memorial was both meaningful and mercifully brief.
The family greeted attendees as they arrived at the service so we could hurry off to our house for the second part of the day's activities - the party! Her Final Arrangements document called for "a rousing good time" after the funeral where those in attendance were instructed to "leave your tears at the church," and that's exactly what we had. It started in earnest right after the 3:00 service and went well into the night, kept alive by the kids and their friends, many of whom have known Patsy almost as long as they've known their own parents. Gotta love that small town living!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Almost everyone I talk to asks me how I’m doing, and I’ve thought a whole lot about that over the last couple of weeks.
I have determined that the philosophy that guided Patsy in living and dying with cancer is something that we must have subtly taught each other over 42+ years of marriage because it’s exactly what I find is guiding me in grieving over her passing. That philosophy is a determination to take the circumstances one has been dealt and simply live with them, on one’s own terms. Public expressions of emotion are quite trendy these days, but Patsy would never have worn her cancer around like some badge of honor nor would she permit others to do it on her behalf. I’m certain she would chastise me from above if I were to do the same with my grief.
It's not that I don't get sad, and it's not that I don't miss her, and it's certainly not that I'm never going to ask for help especially from family & close friends. (If you’ve ever eaten my cooking, you know I’ll eventually need help!) But just as she lived with cancer – emphasizing the living not the disease - I intend to deal with my sorrow by living, not grieving. I’m certain that my life without her won’t always be easy and I know I’ll need help from my kids, family, close friends, memories of her, and God, but I intend to follow her determined example to take what is and just deal with it.
What a role model!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Lastly, I can't talk about this whole process without expressing my undying gratitude to everybody that's helped her (& me) over the last 3-4 years and particularly over the last few weeks. I'll never be able to say enough kind words about her doctor and the nurses at the HOPE cancer center at AHC. I've discovered that it takes a special kind of person to be a doctor or nurse to cancer patients. They all became like family to us.
And our family and friends who mowed our grass, mulched Patsy's garden, spruced up our house, attended the funeral & party, and sent food, flowers, and kind wishes after she passed have reinforced for me what a special person she was. The church and our house afterwards were packed to overflowing. One funeral attendee drove from holiday in Toronto in less than two days to get there! There was a friend from Richmond who remembers Patsy as a babe in arms just days after her birth, and there were friends of our kids who'd only known her a few years. Another of her oldest friends flew in from Texas and stayed with us for a couple of days. There was her Uncle Jack who is in his 90s and 4 month old Ava from down the street. I was both glad to see you all and humbled by your presence.
I've been asked several times before and after her passing if I thought I needed Hospice, our Rector, or any other kind of additional support. My answer has always been, "Nope; we're covered." Thanks to our family and friends, the kids and I have always felt supported and comforted. Thanks to you all!
